The Freedom of the Driver

I can remember when I was learning how to drive, some exciting days. I couldn’t wait to be old enough to be able to get in a car and drive by myself, roll down the windows, turn up my music, and sing to my own tune. It was a freedom that I was looking so forward to, just to be able to break away on my own and feel “grown up” in a lot of ways. There was nothing to me at the time of being able to just drive down the road on a beautiful day enjoying the wind blowing through my hair, and have my time & my thoughts to myself. I could drive where I wanted to drive, go the direction I wanted to go in, make any turn that I wanted to, fly around the curves, there wasn’t anyone there to tell me not to or to tell me that it was dangerous to drive that way. A little ashamed to admit this now, but there were days that when I drove home from school, on some very dangerous back roads, I would drive 80 mph b/c the friends who were in the car with me thought it was pretty cool, and if I’m being completely honest I guess I did too. I felt in control of the car, of this big huge machine, it had to do what I was telling it to do. There was some sort of freeing spirit in that to me at the moment. Not once did any thoughts creep into my mind that it was dangerous, that I could lose control of the car and wreck, or along the way of wrecking my car I could wreck someone Else’s car or hurt them. No, I’m pretty sure that in that exact moment in time, I didn’t think of anyone but myself, how I felt and how good it felt to feel as if I was in total control. Driving can bealot like living……

We can kid ourselves with thinking that we are in control of our own lives, and we can do it so much that we start to believe it, maybe that’s why we do it sometimes, maybe it’s because we want to believe it. We don’t like the idea that our life is in someone else’shands, or that someone else can tell us what to do or how to live. I guess that can be a unnatural feeling to many of us. We’d all like to believe that once we are grown up that we can do whatever we want whenever we want and not have to answer to anyone. In alot of ways, in this world, that’s true I suppose. But just like driving that carrecklessly can hurt someone else in the process, so can living our lives recklessly. The truth of the matter is, no matter how much we fool ourselves into believing that our life is our own, and we are in control, we’re soo not! Our creator is, and whether someone believes in Him or not, or whether they have chosen to live their life for him or not, it’s still His life, He created it, he created us. We may can drive down the road for a while in our own lives doing our own thing, letting the wind blow through our hair, and playing this thing called life to our tunes, but there will be a day when we realize, that when the light bulb finally goes off in our head, Hey, wait a minute, I do answer to someone, His name is God. It’s not about being “religious”, it’s about being in a relationship with our creator, our Father, who has done nothing but be good to us even when we don’t deserve it, and love us when we refuse to love Him back. It doesn’t matter if you choose not to believe “in” Him, or choose not to accept Him, we each and every one of us will face Him one day and answer for every road we took in our lives, for every turn we took, and for breaking the laws along the way on our trip through this journey called our life.

I think there are some of us who think on some level that because I don’t go to church, I don’t read my bible, I don’t believe in all that “religious” stuff and I don’t want to hear it, that I am living my own life, can do what I want, and this God person can’t tell me what to do. I honestly believe that there are some who believe that only the “Christians” are the ones who will stand before God and answer for our lives & how we used it. But that’s just not true, if you have breath in your body, have a birth certificate and a social security card, you will be standing in front of him too! When we come to the end of the road, and we see the sign that says “Dead End”, are we going to be ready to stand before Him?

I am one that is grateful that God allows U-turns along the way, he knows that living in this world isn’t always easy, and He knows we are going to slip and fall, but if we are truly His, and in that relationship with Him, we will repent and ask forgiveness, and turn back around in the right direction. Many want to ignore the meaning of repent though, when we look at what repent really means, the actual definition of it it says this: to feel regret or sorrow, to change one’s mind, to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of ones life. Repent means that you are sorry for what you have done, and you are turning around in the road, and going back in the direction you know you should, and dedicate yourself to doing right. I think there must be some dictionaries out there that are liars though because some have received some wrong information somewhere thinking it’s definition is to say I’m sorry, not really mean it except for maybe just maybe at that moment, but I’m still going to go do it again, and God will forgive me over and over because that’s God. We’ll God does forgive over and over, but there are consequences we will all face for those things that we do that we know we shouldn’t because we DO know better.Honestly, when you are in a relationship with Him, you honestly want to do right by Him, you want to do what you know makes Him happy and smile at you, that’s because you genuinely love Him. When we genuinely love someone with all that we are, which is how God calls us to love, we want to do things to make them happy and show them we love them, we put ourselves aside, to love others. My prayer is that those who have received a copy of this lying dictionary, will realize that it’s wrong, it’s lying to them, and receive a copy today of the one that tells the truth, and I hear that there are some places and people that give them out for free, and some people have several copies in their home I bet they are willing to share.

When I got older and realized that driving so dangerously not only hurts me but can hurt others in the process, I stopped. I realized that it was very stupid of me to drive like my life was my own and nothing could ever happen to it. It was careless of me to drive like nobody else was on the road but me, and it was just all about me. There are people all around us driving too, and at one point or another how we drive is going to affect their journey as well. I’ll never forget the moment in my life when I realized how incredibly fragile life really was, it was the day that we lost my husbands brother in a car accident 1/2 mile down the road from where we live. He lost his life that night because there were other drivers on the road that thought life was all about them, theirs to do whatever they wanted to with, and because they were speeding through, and not paying attention to their surroundings, and the fact that they weren’t in control, they collided with my brother in law, and he lost his life that night. We know that God took him home, & we still miss him very much, and I would lie if I said there’s not still some hurt and frustration in my heart because the other drivers weren’t doing anything but thinking about themselves and not thinking for one minute that how they were living their lives affected people all around them. I don’t blame them for the loss of my brother in law, because I know there’s not one single thing in this life that happens that’s not in God’s control, and I realize that God had a purpose for James in heaven at that point, but the flesh part of me does still feel anger, hurt, and frustration at their selfishness behavior.

You see we can think that this life is ours, and that we’re in control, and even be fooled into believing that we can’t lose control, and that we have no one to answer to, but we have to grow up and realize before it’s too late that it’s not “our” life, and we are so not in control of anything in our lives, and we will answer whether we believe that reality or not, we will answer. As for me, I know I will have some things to answer for that was stupid and immature on my part in this life, but I made that U turn, and I believe that I am fully prepared when I get to that sign at the end of my journey that says “Dead End”, because I paid attention and believed every time I saw that “One Way” sign pointing in that direction, and I believed with all my heart that it was the right direction. I now no longer drive. I am the passenger in my life, God is my driver. I have accepted that He has complete & total control of everything that happens in my life, and it’s not that by me accepting it that it changed, because He had that control whether or not I accepted it, it just made my life a lot easier when I surrendered the driver seat and the keys to Him! My life isn’t perfect by no imagination of the word, but with every bump in the road, every pothole I encounter, God’s there driving me around them, not me, and in that I can take peace in the fact that the damage will be minimal to me, and that I will come out unharmed! And I add that I now sing to His tune, and I have to say that I am much happier, and find the beat within me is one that I love to drive to!!

I ask you today, who is in the drivers seat in the life that you are living, that you have been given on loan while you are here? I can assure you wrecks will happen along the way, and I take peace in knowing that I’m not driving that the one that has created all, knows all, sees all, and can protect all is driving mine! I leave with you some words from the dictionary of truth.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you, When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” Psalm 3:5-6

“The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him.” Nahum 1:7

“Be still and know that I am GOD.” Psalm 46:10

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you and watch over you.”
Psalm 32:8

I just want to know how you do it!

Dear Father,

I just want to know how you do it. How do you see all that you see each & everyday in this world, and deal with the heartache? I know I prayed and asked you to break my heart for what breaks yours, but I just have to be honest with you here, no reason to be anything but because you know anyway, but I had no idea how broken my heart would be! I have been to the point of tears and have even shed so many tears, especially in the last 24 hours. I’m going to need more help from you Lord with this because I’m not sure I can handle the brokenness that I feel. My heart has been so heavy that it has broken into millions of tiny pieces. I have seen so much, I have had my opens opened to so many things around me Lord, that I feel myself getting frustrated and confused, and God, I’ll be honest with you again, I get angry too! I just don’t understand how so many live their lives the way they do, without you, I don’t get why they want to. You have changed my life in so many countless ways God, and I can’t comprehend why there are people out there who don’t want experience you the way that I have. Help me Father, help me to know how to pray for them, help me to know how to reach out to them, help me to know how not to let it weigh so heavily on my heart.

I have had my eyes opened and I see so much selfishness God. I see more and more people focusing on themselves rather than you or others as you tell us to. They seem to be more concerned with how they feel, what they want, their desires, their dreams, their way right away and they don’t even seem to care who they step on and hurt in the process Lord. Why? How? I sit here, even now Lord, as I talk to you about this, and tears are filling my eyes the way you have filled the oceans of this earth. I used to be this way didn’t I? You can be honest with me God, I can take it. I once lived my life for what I wanted it to be, and didn’t care did I? Oh God, thank you for breaking my heart, opening my eyes and showing me your ways. My life is so much better now, better than it ever was when I tried to control it, when things went the way that I thought I wanted them. I am eternally grateful that you filled that void in me. Lord, I know that I accepted you almost 23 years ago, but I also know and very much aware that about 2 years ago, my relationship with you once again became what it was suppose to be. It took me getting a good long hard look at my life and what it had become, and you allowing me to see things in myself, and in my environment that had affected me in negative ways to get back to where I wanted to be and needed to be with you. But for all the selfishness that I had in my life and in my heart Lord, I am so so sorry!! Please forgive me!! I never realized how deeply my selfishness hurt you. We are not on this earth for our pleasures, we are on this earth to serve you, and when we put you first, you will show us what true pleasure is Lord, and that is in loving you, loving others, serving you and serving others. Lord, help me to know how to help others see that it’s not about them it’s about You, and help me to never ever forget that!

You amaze me God. How you handle all of these heartbreaks, and yet how you still love us the way you do in spite of them. We are so unworthy of your love Lord, yet you give it to us anyway. This is another way you’re going to have to help me, because when my heart gets broken Lord, the first thing I want to do is shutdown, and showing love is the last thing on my mind. I don’t want be that way Lord, but I have been finding it very hard. So continue to feel me with your love Lord, I can’t do it without you. I want to love the way you love even in the midst of all the heartbreak and brokenness that I feel. I want to be more like you and loving in spite of is what you do, so help me. It’s amazing to me how no matter how many times your children walk away from you, you’ll take them back if they will just turn around and walk back to you. Your forgiveness, your open arms, you are amazing, I can’t find another word God, that’s just you, it’s just how you are!

God, I long to be more like you, and I know I have a long way to go to even be close, but Lord I’m all in! I love you, I am in love with you, and I want to please you with my words, my actions, my behaviors, my thoughts, how I love, how I forgive, how I serve. My life is in your hands, take it, mold it, shape it into everything you want it to be, and as my heart breaks for the same things that breaks yours, help it to also handle it the way yours handles it. I want my heart totally in line with yours Lord, I want everyone to see that I belong to you, that you are my father, and that I am your daughter, your princess!! I prayed for heartburn Lord, and I got it, and I want to serve you well through it!! Take me, use me!!

Love, your brokenhearted daughter